Loss and change

I have surprisingly lost 3 lbs this past week. Those of you who were with me at Mary's 50th birthday party on Saturday will know why I say "surprisingly"! There was an enormous buffet, of which I partook with gusto!

I even went back for more and realised I didn't fancy anything... That seems to have been a kind of watershed for me, that the obsession / craving can be more in my head than on the plate. Still, I recognised how much mental energy I was putting into the idea of the food in the room most of the night, whether craving it or trying to resist it.

I've been very unwell since, having huge problems sleeping before the wee small hours - the result of "overdoing it" and the increased adrenalin to keep going on Saturday night. I also have a lot of stressful stuff going on in the background (mainly about finances now that I'm back on benefits) which has stopped me stilling my mind last thing at night.

I also realised that I am going to have to cut back on the money I've been spending on the Cambridge Diet and so I've gone back to real food. Well, I say "real food" but really I'm eating a combination of food packs and the food I've had in the freezer. Call me changeable if you like! but I actually felt that my body was needing more sustainance.

Because I'm feeling so unwell at the moment (ME symptoms), I've decided to give the weight loss a miss for just now until I feel more able to cope with it. My motivation, which was very strong a week ago, has gone out the window. My intention is to eat cheaply for health and forget about losing weight, until I feel more able to cope with it and/or have more income. It's become just one more stress that I have to deal with and I'm trying to rid myself of those and chill out more.

So it's not over yet (the fat lady ain't sung yet!) but it's all on hold, at least til after Christmas.

Call me rash...!

but I've taken the leap (financially) and am back on the Cambridge Diet. What a bloomin' relief! Food is a blinking minefield for me (clearly something I'm going to have to tackle very soon). Low carbing suits me best - it's satisfying and makes me feel better - more energy, less digestive problems - but it aggravates my gallbladder. I could get my gallbladder taken out, of course - they wanted me to get down from my then-21 stone to 18 before they'd operate a few years ago. Now I'm 15 stone (yes, that's my weigh-in today), they'd whip it out at the drop of a hat!

When I eat any kind of grains, they make me very hungry very soon - some say it's a degree of insulin resistance and a purely physiological reaction to blood sugar rising too high and subsequently dipping - and I want to eat all the more. Even complex carbohydrates - wholemeal bread, brown rice, porridge - make me feel this way. The low-carb lobby says it's the result of a messed up metabolism after years of "carb-addiction".

On top of that (or is it alongside it?!), I know I'm an emotional eater. I eat more when I'm hungry, when I'm happy - any excuse! - and, worst of all for someone with ME, when I'm tired - my thinking around food goes very awry and I don't make good decisions then...

I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that I will need professional help with my food choices in the long term.

Today's weigh-in has me at 15 stone, unfortunately. I'm hoping I can get a stone off before Christmas, IF my finances allow me to continue on the Cambridge Diet...

Low-carb is off the agenda

My gallbladder is grumbling so low-carb (high fat) is out the window.
I'm not feeling too confident about weight loss on an ordinary diet. I do have problems with wheat so I'm avoiding that and sugar, in the meantime, keeping to low GI / GL foods, and will see how that goes.
I'm contemplating (some will be dismayed to hear!) returning to the Cambridge Diet if I can work it out financially, as I'm spending just as much on "ordinary food". I still feel that I'd rather struggle at 11 stone something than where I'm at just now, but I'm also only too aware that I've hovered around 15 stone since early August, in spite of several weeks on Cambridge.
A decision will be made in the next couple of days!

Phew!

I'm relieved to say that I've lost 5 lbs in weight since last week. That's one week of low-carbing under my belt, so that's comforting too, that it's going to work!

I'm not ecstatic because I actually feel as if I'm filling out, which is rather odd... but it might be due to eating decent food and higher calories. Only time will tell!

Another reason I'm not ecstatic is because I'm aware I've been overeating. This seems to happen particularly when I'm tired, which is a lot these days, due to the downturn in my health... It's a struggle that I'm going to have to get to grips with. And a struggle that I'm struggling to get to grips with!

I think I've had a daft idea in my head - that I'd lose all that weight I put on the week before when I stopped eating carbs (that all the water retention would go) and that I'd lose more on top of that with low-carbing. But the more I think about it, the dafter that idea gets! I think I'm just so scunnered with myself for putting so much on and am not happy that I'm not as light as I was a few weeks ago. 14 stone 6.5 lbs felt very good! Especially because I could say I'd lost just short of 8 stone; now it's back to being just over 7.5 stone. Still, I'm below 15 stone again so that's a positive.

And I do keep reminding myself that this is for the long haul and there's bound to be a certain amount of flux while I transition back onto real food. I have to get used to it - mentally - and my body is having to make a big adjustment too.

Another aspect is that several people have told me I look great as I am and don't need to lose any more weight. I have to keep my original targets in mind - to get back to what used to be my normal weight - 11 stone 5 lbs (actually 11 1/4 stone but I rounded off the stones to make it easier!) - and getting back to a size 14.

One big downside is that I don't think this is working out any cheaper than CD, in fact it might be working out more expensive. I've stocked up on food in the freezer so it's going to be a case of seeing how long all that lasts before I know if I'm right. If I am right, I'd be as well going back onto CD and getting my weight down to my target that way.

Alternatively, I could just stay with low-carbing (if I can afford it) until I reach my target weight or until my weight stabilises (which apparently can happen on low-carb), as this has to be a long term way of eating now, not a diet.

I think I should start feeling happier about that 5 lb weight loss!

Reassurance

Judging by my unclothed weight this afternoon (post-breakfast but pre-lunch), I've already lost at least 3 lbs as the retained water disperses by steering clear of grains and sugar. It's quite astonishing now how I can track the level of water retention - I can feel it round my hip bones first!

I'm feeling very happy with my food choices and have realised that (to quote a certain famous deceased pop star) - this is it! This is when, being back on real food, I need to learn to make the food choices that are best for me, not just to lose weight or to maintain it, but also to maintain my health - sugar levels and energy levels, as well nutrition.

I've also realised that, when I was eating food all the time, I allowed my hunger to govern when I ate. (I also allowed just about every other sensation to govern when I ate!) Now I've got used to feeling hungry, I'm learning to integrate that into my day to day as well, so that I don't overeat. It doesn't kill me to wait an hour to eat and I actually like the "clean" feeling that being a bit hungry gives me. Don't worry anyone - I won't starve! I don't suffer from hypoglycemia either (which I did used to think I might but I honestly think that's induced by a high carb diet, at least for me) and, whenever I feel too hungry, I will and do eat! I'm not into starving myself - but I also don't want to get back into my old habits of eating at every opportunity.

Tis a steep learning curve but I'm feeling really fine about it - for just now!

PS Weight loss won't go on the tickers until my "official" weigh ins on Wednesdays.

Eeek....!

In the interest of honesty and an accurate record of weight loss, I have to embarassingly admit to a weight GAIN of a massive 9 lbs!! My eating has gone haywire and I've been eating wheat and sugar - high carbs - resulting in massive water retention. I could even see it in my feet this morning! I was sooo bloated today, my stomach was enormous and I was in a lot of discomfort for a long time...! My CPAP machine makes me swallow air as it is, but this was something else!
So today I spent quite a lot of money on food and am embarking on low carb eating from now on. I'm looking forward to it, lots of yummy and, importantly, satisfying food. I still have food packs left but they're all soups so will use them for lunch. I can't quite face a bowl of artificial broccoli soup first thing in the morning! :-p
Here's hoping I can stick to it and keep away from sugar more successfully than I have been this past week.

I lost 1.5lbs this week

So I'm back where I was 2 weeks ago!

However - I've been eating since my weigh in on Wednesday and know my weight has increased...

I have to come off the Cambridge Diet because, being back on Incapacity Benefit, my finances are dire and I just can't afford it. So... I'm having to look at low-carbing long term, with real (very inexpensive) food. Frankly, I'm very concerned about it, on both the financial and the emotional/addiction sides. But I do need to get to grips with real food again so now's as good a time as any, I guess! I just cannot put back on all that weight again. I mean, I just can't let that happen, can I?!

I put on 1.5lbs last week

which doesn't surprise me in the least (other than that it wasn't more!) as I ate every day for 4-5 days while Stitches was on. It was easier to give into the desire to eat while I was so busy and so tired. Not good, I know, but that's how it is. I've stuck to the packs since (can't remember the number of days) except yesterday, when I went a bit nuts...!! Here's hoping I can stick to it for the next couple of days til my next weigh-in!

I cut my hair the other week and folk keep telling me how much younger I look! I think it's also made people notice my weight loss more too, for some reason. I'll need to get a new photo up here. Suffice to say that the size 20 trousers that I squeezed myself into so proudly in July(?) are now loose.

I know I've miscalculated somewhere, as 2 weeks with half pounds should leave me with an whole number but I've still got a half pound floating around! Anyway, last week's weight (14 stone 7.5 lbs) is accurate so we'll take it from there.

I forgot to say...

...that I lost 5 lbs last week!! I'm delighted as it makes it only 1 lb short of 8 stones (112 lbs) weight loss altogether!

HOWEVER I have eaten every single day since then (except today) and I know my weight has rocketed as my body holds onto the water. I was just too busy and too tired to find the wherewithal to resist food... It's silly, really, because I would actually feel better if I did, as carbs don't make me feel great... Anyway... I don't expect my weigh-in in 2 days time will show a return to last week's results but I guess you never know. Here's hoping. It's on the record anyway.

Another 2.5 lbs lost

That half pound is important! I've been cheating again, though it was my daughter's birthday last week. Well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! I wonder if I can get through a week without cheating... I wonder if it would make that much difference... Perhaps I should give it a try!!

Another 3lbs lost!

Yippee! That's now 7.5 stone I've lost. And I'm less than 15 stone!! Woop woop!!
I have lapsed a few times, not least sharing a box of Quality Street with daughter Laurie on Saturday!!! =:-o Strong cheddar is still my downfall strangely!
It's so great to be losing weight again... I'm enjoying the Cambridge Diet (in parts!). Some of the soups are a bit iffy but it's fine on the whole. I'm really enjoying my evening poppadums again (in spite of the fact that cooking the packs isn't recommended - I take a multi-vitamin!) and the bars are all scrummy. Even my grandson likes the Chocolate and Mint shake, though he turned his nose up at the Chocolate Orange! I'm also allowed milk so can enjoy tea and coffee without going outside the food plan.
I met a friend of Laurie's tonight who's known me for the past 20 years - and it's quite amazing to realise that she has never known me at this size. I've worked out it must be around 1985 when I was last this size. I was 29 then... That's quite a thought...

I forgot....!

to report in last Wednesday that I'd lost 4 lbs! So my weight was 15 stone 1 lb. I'm very pleased. I cheated like mad that first week but have had more success this week. Not 100% success =:-o but most days... It's tough! I'm really looking forward to being 14 stone something - it's over 25 years since I was last that weight.

Start weight

For the record, my start weight (first thing in the morning, without clothes) is 15 stone 5 lbs. It's going to get complicated again trying to compare it to the LL weigh-in, taken in the middle of the afternoon, so let's just say that's what I am. It means that's a full 7 stone weight loss since I started, as that was 22 stone 5 lbs, so I don't need to alter the counter or anyfink. (There's really a couple of pounds difference due to the time of day I was weighed but, as weight can fluctuate by a couple of pounds given how much water you drink or not, I'm staying with that!)

Target still stands at 11 stone / 154 lbs.

Cambridge Diet

My Cambridge Diet packs have arrived! Here's a photo of them:

There's little colour-coding with these packs, the colours are only to differentiate soups from shakes, so I'll have to have my specs on before I choose what I want!
My order consists of shakes - Banana, Butterscotch, Chocolate, Chocolate Mint, Fruits of the Forest, Strawberry, Toffee and Walnut, Vanilla, Chocolate Orange and Cappuccino; soups - Broccoli and Cheese, Chicken and Mushroom, Oriental Chilli, Spicy Tomato, Vegetable, Mushroom and Leek and Potato; bars - Caramel, Toffee, Chocolate, Chocolate Orange, Cranberry and Peanut. At least one of every flavour, to give them all a try. I'm assured that they taste better than LL but the proof of the pudding, and all that!
I've also ordered tubs of Mix a Mousse, Summer Berry Drink Flavouring and something called Fibre 89, which I think is self-explanatory!
Tonight has been my last night of "normal" eating and, in the interests of honesty and faithful recording of the travails of losing weight(!), I will publicly confess to having a Last Supper. A fish supper in fact! And chocolate cake. I bought more goodies but didn't have the room to eat them!! That's good news - it means my appetite, in spite of sort-of-normal eating for the last wee while, is a lot less than it used to be. In fact, reading that list of flavours above makes me feel sick right now, as I am just too full...
So, tomorrow sees me embark on shakes and soups again. No bars for the 1st week and no drink flavouring for 2 weeks. I have to say I am really looking forward to being free from the temptation of food again. It's just a bit too much of a minefield for me, especially at the moment with my ME being quite bad again.
I'm sure some of you think I'm nuts to be doing this when I'm not doing too well, energy-wise, but I fully expect to feel better within a week or so. Low carbing suits me and I'm looking forward to that lighter lean feeling that LL gave me. I just need to get through the first couple of days and into ketosis so that my appetite is suppressed. I really am looking forward to it.
I'm also really looking forward to not being so hot! Increased carb intake and the water retention caused by it has had the effect of me feeling hot again. I know the weather's a bit better at the moment, and I know I'm menopausal, but I keep breaking out in a sweat. Am so looking forward to not feeling like that any more!
I'll be weighing myself in the morning so I have a baseline. I know there'll be a few pounds difference from the last report but I know it's not much (it was only 2 lbs more this morning!).
Onwards and upwards. Here's hoping I manage being back on packs again!

Big changes coming up...

Blimey, it's ages since I posted here. Sorry if some of you are trying to keep up-to-date with me and I've not been around. I've been waiting for blood test results before my doctor would agree to me...
MOVING ON TO THE CAMBRIDGE DIET!!!
I've realised (as I said before) that the increased carb content of Diet Chef is not helping me keep to it and I've been struggling greatly for the past few weeks = cheating like mad, to be honest! While I really have enjoyed the DC meals - some of them are really delicious - I've decided I'd rather lose that further 4 stone and struggle with my weight at 11 stone rather than 15. I know that a VLCD (Very Low Calorie Diet) works for me, not least because of being in ketosis and your appetite being suppressed. The hunger I feel at the moment really does have a more insistent, compelling quality than the hunger on LL.
My doctor has agreed (with reservations) for me to go on the Cambridge Diet, which is basically LL without all the group counselling. From my point of view, it's a lot cheaper - only £47.50 per week - and I don't have to go through to the Inverness area every week, which instantly saves me £20. I will have to pay for postage of the packs but I think I can cover that, especially if I can order the packs every fortnight (when my benefit arrives).
It'll be up to me to monitor it and make sure it's not making me any more fatigued than I am now, with this recent downturn / increase in ME symptoms. If it is, then I will have to come off it, and possibly stop dieting altogether...
In the meantime, I stupidly forgot to take the forms with me when I had a doctor's appointment yesterday, so am having to wait for the doctor to sign them, possibly until Monday, before I can start on the Cambridge Diet. I'm excited about it, looking forward to losing weight more easily than I am now. Once I'm down to my target, then I can struggle with working out what's the best thing for me to be eating long term (which I think I know is low carb...)
My weight is roughly what it was on the last post, perhaps with a pound or two more, due to how I've been eating. But I'm not too bothered about it at the moment as it'll quickly come off with CD. :-)
So - watch this space!

2 lbs lost

Phew! I've managed to lose the 2lbs I put on last week. I kept forgetting to post it here after I'd weighed myself on Monday.
All that said, I know I'm heavier now, as I've not been sticking to my diet for the past couple of days and, to be realistic, probably won't over the next couple of days either, as I'm baking Jamie's big birthday cake tomorrow for his party on Saturday...
I am really struggling not to want to really overeat. I think I'm still struggling with the carbs, they really set me up to want to eat. But I was struggling on LL (low carb), too... I know I have big food issues and most definitely want to eat when I'm tired, which is pretty much all the time at the moment, due to a big comeback of ME symptoms recently... Oh well, I don't feel like wallowing in it here at the moment so we shall just have to see what I weigh next Monday...

No leeway with the DC way

I've put on 2 lbs and I'm not happy about it! It's entirely my own fault, of course. I've been eating outside my food plan (cheating!), so this is a lesson that I can't afford to eat outside my food plan (cheat!) while I'm using Diet Chef. LL obviously gave a bit of leeway but DC doesn't. No leeway with the DC way!
I know that carbs are the culprit. Not only do they hold onto water but they make me more hungry in the long run. Having a wee treat like scones, jam and cream yesterday instead of lunch doesn't work for me, even though the calories may be more or less comparable, because of the physiological effect of high GI carbs. They make me hungry and/or exacerbate cravings. I (chose to) binge/d last night as a result.
So... the answer is no cheating carbs from now on. Here's hoping I can stick to it. Unfortunately most of the breakfasts and the snacks are high carb - Granola, flavoured porridge with sugar, Nairns oat biscuits or cheese crunchies, fruit bars. So next month I'm going to order only plain porridge and fruit bars. The others are just too tempting for this poor weak-willed, sweet-toothed person (the fruit bars aren't sugary sweet enough to be much of a temptation).
I am scunnered about gaining weight but also philisophical and aware that this whole process is a learning experience and preparing me for the big wide world of "normal" eating. But there is just no way I'm going to allow myself to gain weight in the long term so - watch this space!

First non-LL weight loss

I've lost 3 lbs in the last week! Woo hoo!! The week consisted of 5 days of normal food (I think - I can't remember when I ran out of LL food packs!) and 2 of Diet Chef. This is incredibly encouraging for me as it means that I was able to control my intake of real food for those 5 days (including a couple of "treats"). In fact, when I told my slim daughter what I was eating, she was amazed. "That's not much!" she said. I was having eggs for breakfast, soup for lunch, some high protein - fish or chicken - and salad / veg for dinner and a light Horlicks or hot chocolate for dinner. That doesn't seem "not much" to me, but then I'm used to be on starvation rations (literally), and is a fraction of what I used to eat! In fact, I'm a bit concerned that Diet Chef is proving a bit too much for me to eat... This is the 3rd evening when I've felt pretty full after the dinner... Next weigh-in will tell all!

I was going to moan...

...about DC's Beef in Black Velvet Porter (how I'd love a pint of that!) having only half a dozen pieces of beef in it and padded out with potatoes BUT it tasted sooo good - really delicious, not too rich but so full of flavour - and I am so FULL after it, that I really cannot complain after all.

This has been my food intake today (very slim daughter Laurie said, when she saw what I had to eat in a day, that she wouldn't be able to last on it, but I'm used to eating little and being pretty hungry!):

Very small portion of Lizi's Belgium Chocolate Granola and milk.
One apple.
Diet Chef's Roast Pepper and Goat's Cheese soup (yummy but a bit black peppery).
One (large) orange.
One Naked Wildly Different Choco Loco fruit/oat/nuts bar (very tasty and surprisingly filling. I was concerned that the bar wouldn't be filling enough to keep for supper, so decided to eat it with a cuppa in the late afternoon and leave dinner til 8 pm ish. But I was wrong!)
Diet Chef's Beef in Black Velvet Porter.

And I'm FULL!!! I gave it a couple of hours after the fruit bar before I ate dinner, but think I'll need to leave longer, next time. In fact, I've just had a very bright idea. If the bars are filling and the Granola isn't, perhaps I should have the bars for breakfast and keep the Granola for a light supper. Of course, not all my snacks are bars, so some days I'll need to have Granola or porridge for breakie, but on all the other days, this looks like a good solution. I miss cereal in the evenings, when I used to sometimes have it for a snack, so this could work...

Diet Chef goodies

My Diet Chef goodies arrived this morning. 3 small but heavy boxes full! I thought, for fun(? well - someone might be interested!), I'd list what I've ordered and got to look forward to for the coming 5 weeks. There are 35 main meals, 35 soups, 35 breakfasts and 35 snacks. I won't list the numbers, just the varieties.

Main Meals
Beef in Black Porter
Beef Meatballs
Bolognese with Italian Herbs
Chicken Casserole
Chicken Chasseur (which is actually missing and I hope will arrive next week)
Chicken Curry
Chicken Fricasse
Chickpea Tagine
Chilli con Carne
Coq au Vin
Lamb Hotpot
Mushroom Stroganoff
Mutton Stew
Pasta Bolognese
Pork Meatballs
Pork Sausage Casserole
Thai Chicken Curry
Three Bean Chilli

Lunches
(shakes are an option here but as they are simply milk shakes and not high protein like LL, I decided against them)
Chicken and Thyme Soup
Chunky Vegetable Soup
Goat Cheese & Red Pepper Soup
Minestrone Soup
Mushroom Soup
Parsnip & Honey Soup
Pea & Ham Soup
Spicy Beef & Tomato Soup
Tomato with Pesto Soup

Here is a selection of them in my cupboards. There are so many, I've got two boxes full stashed away. All the soups and main meals have come in sachets, which can be heated in the microwave or in a pot on the stove.

Breakfasts
Original Granola
Chocolate Granola
Pink Apple and Cinnamon Granola
Treacle and Pecan Granola
Original Porridge
Cocoa Nib Porridge
Strawberry Porridge
Vanilla and Banana Porridge

Snacks
Cheese Oat Bakes
Berry Low GI Biscuits
Fruit Low GI Biscuits
Ginger Low GI Biscuits
Apple Bar
Banana Bar
Berry Bar
Cocoa Bar

Here's a photo of them, they look a bit more exciting than the main meals and soups!

I bet you're thinking what I'm thinking - that I could buy these myself and save some money. Yes, I agree (obviously, if it's what I'm thinking!) BUT I can't buy more than 35 of any of the 4 categories (main meals, lunches, breakfasts and snacks) and I would still have to pay for the full whack anyway. The availability of these products in my local Co-op is also doubtful(!) and another consideration is that this is all portion controlled and I'm afraid that's still important for me.

For example, I just had the Chocolate Granola for breakfast and, while delicious(!), it's a tiny amount and has left me still hungry. I've had an apple to tide me over but apples also tend to make me feel hungry, which I believe is a sign is an insulin resistance thing, which is why low-carbing suits me so well. There's no protein in this type of breakfast (apart from the litte in the milk) so I'm a bit doubtful of it working for me... The porridge should be a bit more filling, I hope (though I'm not at all sure about the flavoured ones - a new experience for me!). I might try some of the milk shakes next month and see if they're a bit more filling (though I doubt it somehow)...

My Low GI Rice didn't arrive with this order - obviously an oversight and now they'll take til next Thursday to arrive, at the earliest.

I got up so late today that, even though I've just had my breakfast, I can now have my lunch, so I'm off to choose from one of the yummy sounding soups!

Mix-ups of various kinds

First of all, I got mixed up with the amount of weight I've actually lost. My last weigh-in at LL said I'd lost 92 lbs, not the 88 lbs that I've mentioned in other posts (which I'll now edit) and listed on the counter. Since then I've lost another 3 lbs, using the "add 3 lbs to my morning weigh-in" formula!

Here are the full facts and figures, from Monday this week, which will be my weigh-in day:

Starting weight: 313 lbs / 22 stone 5 lbs
Current weight: 218 lbs / 15 stone 8 lbs
Weight loss: 95 lbs / 6 stone 11 lbs
Target weight loss: 152 lbs / 10 stone 12 lbs
Target weight: 161 lbs / 11 stone 7 lbs

The other mix-up this week is that my Diet Chef meals haven't arrived yet. Grrr. I had hoped they'd be here on Thursday but the courier's online tracking, once they were picked up on Wednesday, gave Friday as the expected delivery date. No sign of them by 5 pm today. I managed to chase them up to the local courier and he's said he'll be delivering my parcel in the morning, around 11 am. Phew!

I'm really looking forward to seeing what the DC food is like. I'm also really looking forward to the little snack biscuits that I've ordered! This week I've had to eat real food and have managed to restrict it to eggs for breakfast - hard-boiled or scrambled or fried with mushrooms (with no fat, of course!) - soup for lunch, salmon steaks and salad (or frozen peas tonight as the local shop had no salad) for dinner, and a "lite" version of hot chocolate or Horlicks for supper. Getting a bit sick of salmon steak, it has to be said!! No grains. Oh, except of course when I cheated the other night and ate some shortbread and Cadbury's Chocolate Fingers...! =:-o I will probably never be able to resist the urge to "cheat" now, but at least the weight is still coming off and I seem to be able to afford to do that now and again, just not every day. I've also had some fruit, which is recommended to supplement DC - strawberries for the last 2 days and a lovely crunchy juicy apple this evening. Yum! To say it filled the corners is an understatement, I'm actually far too full...!

I've yet to weigh myself following this week of real food, so it'll be interesting to see how that goes, if I've managed to keep my weight stable. I might weigh myself tomorrow morning in preparation for starting on the DC foods. I really hope the delivery man comes in the morning, I'm soooo looking forward to new food!

Cool!

I've added "Reactions" to my blog posts so you can give your opinions! This one is definitely "Cool!"

BIG changes

More things have changed. The Big News is that, due to my current financial situation, I've had to make the decision to stop doing Lighter Life. I simply do not have the cash in the bank to pay for it... I'm disappointed, as I kind of wanted to be an advocate for it - and to maybe feature in future tv commercials! ;-) Seriously, I would like to train as an LL Counsellor and I had hoped to go all the way with it, so I could sincerely speak from the heart about its efficacy. However, I do still feel it's done a lot for me - brought my weight down by 92 lbs (6 stone 8 lbs) - and helped me on the way to being slim again. I'm going to miss quite a lot of things about it, actually, believe it or not!

• The drives through to the Black Isle every week, listening to cds at full blast!
• LL Banoffee Pie (peanut bar, "toffee" bar - the inverted commas are there for a reason! - banana shake and vanilla shake) - they've kept me going these past few months.
• The thai chilli soup and the chicken soup made into "poppadums".
• The fruit drink powder to add to water and make it so much more palatable to drink (though I suspect it's the aspartame in it that makes it addictive...)
• Having the opportunity to stop off at Tesco while through there, especially when I was finally able to get into their cheap clothes!

Ah well, farewell Lighter Life. It worked brilliantly for me and I'd recommend it to anyone (thanks again, Lindsey, for recommending it to me!). If my finances improve (which isn't looking likely at all!) I may go back to it one day, if need be...

And the other Big News is that I've just placed an order for Diet Chef meals!! My sister (who is also using Diet Chef) is still helping me out with the costs of losing weight so I've been able to order 5 weeks in advance - actually 4 weeks + 1 week free, which has cost me only £30 a week!!! A huge difference to the £49.50 + petrol + food for 7 meals that LL has cost me this past week. This has been a lifesaver for me - thank you, Big Sis!

So... my new food packs - this time real food - are due to arrive on Thursday. Until then I have to try to eat as sensibly as possible. I have one LL food pack left, which is for tomorrow's lunch. I've yet to check with Donna if she has any more food packs I can get from her (to be replaced as soon as I can along with the others she "lent" me last week) to see me through to Thursday. If not, it's down to me to make sensible real food choices for the next 3 days. Eeeek!!

I'm a wee bitty concerned that I won't find the DC meals as filling as the LL ones, as the latter is designed to be low carb and, once in ketosis, the appetite is supressed. However, the DC meals are all low GI which, to my mind, is the next best thing. I will just have to keep an eye on my carb intake. And besides, I was still always hungry with LL food packs anyway, so I'm well used to that...

I've ordered (I think) at least one of each of their products (one wasn't available) to give them all a try. The ones my sister doesn't recommend(!), I've ordered only 1 of, just to see if it might be to my taste when it's not to hers. Namely, Parsnip and Honey soup - bit too sweet, by the sounds of it, but I have a very sweet tooth, so you just never know.

Yesterday I was at a BBQ to celebrate Donna and Duncan's 1st wedding anniversary, which started well with me eating my one protein meal + salad. It fairly quickly deteriorated, however, when someone turned up with a large tub of ice cream, cones and strawberry syrup. After partaking of that, I picked all day... *sigh* This kind of eating doesn't bode well for the long term but I'm still happy to say I've lost so much weight. Here's hoping I can keep it off in the long run. I've stuck to my plan today with my remaining LL food packs and my protein (stir fried turkey breast with chilli sauce and steamed spinach - yum!) and salad meal tonight. Breakfast tomorrow will be my protein meal (eggs) as I have only an LL mushroom soup left and I'm sorry but I can't face that first thing in the morning!!

Come Friday, it'll be ALL CHANGE!

One thing I've noticed that this past week of LL Route to Management has done for me is to really appreciate the taste of real (and healthy, fresh) food. It's been a real pleasure to eat each of my RtM protein meals and I've even noticed the stirrings of the desire to cook again. That's been a long time in resurrecting, I can tell you. Years of family cooking every single day of the week really spoiled the pleasure of cooking for me many, many moons ago. One of my favourite cartoons (which happens to be a feminist one) is of a contestant sitting in the Mistressmind chair being asked, "And what will the kids have for tea tonight?" The answer is - "PASS!"

PS Another aspect of giving up on LL that is unfortunate is the weekly weigh in. I will have to just do this myself once a week and will report it here. As there was always a discrepancy between my naked-first-thing-in-the-morning weigh in at home and the LL counsellor's fully-clothed-mid-afternoon weigh in, I'll continue to take that few pounds into account and try to be as accurate as I can about how much has actually been lost (as opposed to what I actually weigh):

According to LL, my initial weight was 22 stone 5 lbs. If I'd had scales at the time, I reckon I would have weighed 22 stone. So I'm going to err on the side of caution and say that the difference is likely to be 3lbs (and that I was probably heavier than I thought at the beginning). Unfortunately, I've got no comparisons of weight over the past 6 months to go by (I don't think...). So, every time I weigh myself, I'll add 3 lbs onto it, to keep in line with what I think I've lost... I hope that makes sense to me in the morning!

Gains and losses

Everyone's been raving about this photo on Facebook so, as it shows my weightloss, I guess it should go up here. It was taken during a family reunion weekend with my sister and brother and families when they all came up to Lochalsh to visit. This particular photo was taken at the viewpoint above the Bealach na Bà, where it was very windy!I registered for Route (not Road) to Management over a week ago but, as I'd eaten all the previous weekend, I decided to stay on the packs for a few more days. Then our family reunion included a big meal out on Friday so I joined in with that, and ended up eating for most of the weekend too! So I didn't start RtM properly until Monday 27 July - exactly 6 months to the date from when I started LL.

While I was away (and eating!) the weekend before, my car had broken down and I had to have it repaired (cheaper via my roadside recovery) so have been left a little short of cash. This has meant I've not been able to go through to Tore to pick up more packs this week. I have a few spare from when I've eaten "illegitimately" and had enough cash (leaving 1p in my purse!) to buy the food I need for the one-meal-a-day regime this week (more on that later). But it was only last night that I realised I don't actually have enough packs - and now don't have any cash for food until I get paid on Friday!! I'll go begging to Donna to see if she has any spares or to Laurie for appropriate food to take the place of the packs! Ho hum. [Addendum: Donna does have enough packs to see me through to next Monday, so I'll have to pay for 2 weeks packs next week.] To add to all that, I'm ill with a throat lurgy that's leaving me croaky and feeling rotten... Maybe just as well as it's when I'm feeling ill and sorry for myself that I'm most tempted to eat.

On the subject of eating, this week started with two days of 3 packs + one protein meal and then continues tonight with protein and some salad. Yippee! I had turkey breast on Monday and a salmon steak last night; tonight will be another salmon steak with salad and lemon juice. It's odd, really, that these meals still feel kind of special, given that I had two very lovely meals out with my family over the weekend! I guess it's because they're legit! It's now that I wish I'd had the fortitude to just stay on the packs all this time and not eat outside the plan as I have been doing for the past 12 weeks or so. It must be pretty incredible to eat food again for the first time in many many months. Still, my weight loss has still been phenomenal and is continuing anyway, as the added protein won't knock me out of ketosis and I'll continue fat burning in the meantime. I gained a few pounds over the weekend and have lost them again and more with being back on the packs (+ "real" protein) for the past 2 days.

This is a synopsis of the RtM programme:

Week 1 - 3 packs, one protein meal (from a restricted list of mainly poultry and fish) along with salad (after the first 2 days), various condiments, and skimmed milk for tea or coffee.

Week 2 - 3 packs, one meal + snacks, introducing raw vegetables, low-fat sugar-free dairy products, low-calorie and diet drinks.

Week 3 - 2 packs, one meal + snacks, introducing tomatoes and low GI fruits, more protein choices (red meat).

Week 4 - 2 packs, one meal + snacks, introducing more vegetables and can cook fruit and veg, if desired.

Week 5 - 2 packs, 2 meals + snacks, introducing alcohol and starchy veg.

Week 6 - 2 packs, 2 meals + snacks, introducing more fruit choices, including higher GI and dried fruit, nuts and seeds for cooking only, Marmite (yum!).

Week 7 - 2 packs, 2 meals + snacks, introducing pulses and beans.

Week 8 - The start of trigger weeks! 2 packs, 2 meals + snacks, introducing starchy staples like rice, pasta, potatoes.

Week 9 - 1 pack, 3 meals + snacks, introducing grains like breakfast cereals and oats.

Week 10 - 1 pack, 3 meals + snacks, introducing cheese.

Week 11 - 1 pack, 3 meals + snacks, introducing bread.

Week 12 - 1 pack, 3 meals + snacks, introducing snacks like chocolate, sweets, jam, crisps, nuts.

Here's hoping I can afford to keep going and get to week 12!

A decision has been made

Next week I will start on Road to Management. I've decided to do this so that I don't get to a point where I completely run out of money and can't afford to take part in Lighter Life anymore and am left struggling with the transition from food packs to real food.

RtM is a graded programme of reintroducing real food. Next week I will be introducing protein and having only 3 packs a day (instead of the current 4). Food groups are reintroduced gradually over 12 weeks, with the idea of recognising what are the trigger foods which make you want to overeat. I feel this is a really important part of the programme and I really want to do this part thoroughly.

Once I'm through the 12 weeks, I can continue on a few packs a day if I want to and I reckon that's what I'll do, as long as I feel it's effective and that the trips through to the Black Isle are not costing me too much. I'm very nearly at the end of my gifted funds, so will be having to meet the cost of this myself within a few weeks. I hope I can manage it ok. Including the cost of the petrol to drive to the Black Isle, the packs work out at around £3.07 each so, as long as I can buy food for meals for less than that(!), I'll be saving money... Hope I can manage it. If not, then I'll just have to give up on LL and move over to another weight loss programme, or continue on my own.

Mixed feelings. Very mixed feelings. Hoping beyond hope that this won't jeopardise my whole weight loss. And also looking forward to having real food again - legitimately! - and to working on the issues around trigger foods and overeating in general. It's a minefield... Given that I've been struggling to keep to the food packs only for the past 12 weeks or so, perhaps this is the best idea and I'll find it all a bit easier if I'm actually allowed some real food. Strong cheddar has been my downfall recently - surprising, really, as I have a very sweet tooth.

On the plus side, I've lost 3lbs this week, which is very encouraging as I still had several days when I struggled not to eat real food... Phew! I just hope the weight loss continues. It might slow right down for a while and then hopefully pick up again if I return to a few packs a day in the longer term. I do still have 4 - 4.5 stone to lose... and £2000 to raise!

Selling clothes on eBay

In case any of you know anyone between the sizes of 22 and 30 who would like to buy some clothes!
http://tinyurl.com/nlak52
I've sold 6 items already. :-)

1/2 lb lost...!

I'm thankful I've lost anything at all, frankly. I've had a very difficult week, food wise; that is, the food has been going into my mouth with little difficulty. In many ways (I think I've said this before) it might be better if I did put on weight, that might stop me messing about with eating. Clearly I need to reflect on what it is I'm doing and try to use the tools that Lighter Life provides us with more.

I thought I'd include a flattering photo which makes me look so much slimmer (if you ignore the bingo wings!!), taken at Lindsey's party last Saturday, 4 July 2009:
I'm chastened, embarrassed, grateful, sheepish, touched to say that my most recent plea resulted in a total of £190 more towards the LL costs. THANK YOU EVERYONE! This means I can continue for several more weeks anyway and I'll see what I can bring in by selling my old clothes on eBay, before making a final decision about what to do. In the meantime I'll endeavour to get the urge to eat under control... *sigh*

6 lbs lost!!

Clearly this is mainly water - and that last week's weight gain was mainly water. But it's still very encouraging. My own scales show just under 16 stone - I've not been 15 stone something since the 1980s!

I spoke to our locum counsellor tonight about my lack of funds and when she said, only slightly tongue in cheek, "I take it you've sold everything you can to raise money?", it suddenly dawned on me that I have a huge pile of large clothes that could be sold on eBay. I'll scout around and see what I've got in the house that could be sold and look out for car boot sales too.

I don't think it's realistic for me to do any more work, given my current energy levels and commitments, and the kind of work I can do without standing on my feet all day isn't that easy to find round here. I'm barely making ends meet as it is, so anything extra would simply make life a little bit easier. I'd need to earn a bit more of a substantial amount to pay for LL too... but I will try and see how I can raise some more funds to pay for it. (I've already added adverts to the blog in an attempt to earn something!)

And, in answer to my email, I've already received a very generous £135 to help me with the Lighter Life Development costs!!! A huge thank you to all of you who donated -
THANK YOU!!

I've done it...

...I've emailed my Lighter Life mailing list and asked for contributions to help me stay on the programme. Eek...

I simply can't afford to continue with Lighter Life, the pot has run dry. I can continue to pay my £40/week contribution, but I still need another £40/week to pay for it. The minimum I can do is move over to Road to Management now, where I'd start to introduce real food over a period of 14 weeks. My mailing list is around 160 strong. £560/160=£3.50. If 50% of the mailing list was to donate £10, I'd have a few more weeks on Development (the continuing weight loss part) and could then move over to Management. I really feel I need something very structured to help me get back onto real food, as my recent blips have shown me I need the support!

I really am scunnered about how things have gone. I had expected to be earning more by now and to be able to pay for it myself, but 'twas not to be...

I'll continue with LL as long as the donations allow, and will then make a decision on how to continue to lose weight. I don't want to stop now! I can't anyway, as my fundraising depends on me continuing...

So, if you feel inclined to help me continue on what's been a very successful weight loss programme that suits me and to raise funds for my three charities, please click here to make a donation. Thank you!

Interestingly...

...I lost that 1.5 lbs within 24 hours. On top of that, according to my scales, by yesterday (Monday) morning I'd lost 6 lbs! The fact that the blip last week consisted mainly of carbohydrates, which hold onto water, would explain the weight gain, and the subsequent weight loss when I was back into ketosis again. So I'm very encouraged that my weight loss this week will be generous. :-)

I'm wondering...

if I should swap over to the Diet Chef... My sister has just started on it and it sounds rather good. More importantly - and the main reason for me thinking about it - is that it's fairly cheap and just a bit more than half the price of Lighter Life + petrol. I've run out of funds for the programme now, and am loathe to email and ask everyone for more... I thought I'd be earning a bit more by now but I'm not and my utility bills have rocketed... Hmmm... Still wondering... Any opinions or thoughts welcome!

Oops...!

I have actually put on 1.5 lbs this week. *sigh* I'm not surprised. I had a massive blip but have decided to no longer air my blips in public as it's just too bloomin embarrassing!! I knew I'd probably put on something, I'm just grateful it's so little.
I can only say my intention is to stick to the programme and get back on the wagon - picking myself up, dusting myself off and starting all over again. One day at a time...

Phew!

My weight loss was 3 1/2 lbs this week, thankfully! Sometimes I do wonder about the difference between my scales and theirs and the fact that I weigh myself first thing in the morning, with no clothes, while we get weighed at LL in the mid-afternoon, fully clothed. Anyway, it's Mary's scales I'm going by so... I was very relieved to see some weight coming off. I had got completely mixed up though, and thought I was already only 1lb short of 6 stone off last week (the time before that loss of 7.5 over 2 weeks, I thought it was 5 st 5 lbs, but it was actually 5 st 3lbs). But this new weight loss makes it bang on 6 stones gone. It really is fantastic. Quite amazing, really, to be 6 stones lighter... Did I really believe, when I started this in January, that I'd be 6 stone lighter by the end of June? I don't think so!
The cravings haven't stopped though, and that weight loss was in spite of two afternoons of snacking on biscuits, of all things, over the past week! Since then I've had one day where I just gave up on resisting the cravings, ate a fraction of what I would have eaten in the past, thoroughly enjoyed it and am feeling well committed to the programme again. Perhaps that's what I needed... I don't know. Certainly there doesn't seem to be much reasoning with me (by myself, that is!) when I'm in the middle of feeling desperate to eat something... *sigh*
I think part of the battle is that I don't feel too bad as I am now at this present weight, but, with this current renewed commitment (which I hope will last!), I know I really do want to get the rest of the weight off. I'm discovering changes in my shape that are very encouraging. I even managed to pull in my abdomen so it looked vertical today!! ;-) I still have my old shape and I guess that'll never change, it's how I'm made after all - classic pear shape. It makes clothes-fitting a bit difficult though, especially for longer tops, jackets and coats, being one or two sizes bigger on the bottom than on the top. I only know that the smaller I get, the less of a difference between the two there will be. This unflattering (and blurry) photo shows precisely what I mean!
Onward and upward!
To redress the balance, here's a nicer photo of me, along with my friend Fiona at the UK Ravelry Day on 6 June, staffing the stall for our project, Stitches on the Bridge. (There's a photo of a fatter me holding one end of the Caledonia scarf on the wall behind!)
Oh and there's a reduction in measurements too, to be reported. To date, I've lost 6 1/2 inches on my bust, 10 inches on my waist and 11 inches on my hips! That's something to smile about!

Oh dear...

I lost absolutely nothing this week... In spite of my own scales showing 2 lbs loss, Mary's showed only a few grams!! Eeek.
This should be the kick up the bahooki that I need - I hope. I'm still struggling with cravings for food, it's very difficult. Trying to work out why isn't easy. There are several different factors that might be influencing me, but some too personal to go into here.
Since our "milk week", I've carried on having milk in my tea and coffee and that might not be helping. It also means I'm consuming more caffeine and that can affect weight loss and cravings... So I'm going to try to get off it. I don't feel too hopeful about it at the moment.
My abstinence from earlier in the week lasted only til day 3... though I've had nothing other than food packs since.
How to get back into the successful mindset I do not know... I guess I just have to "walk the walk"! One of our counsellors tips was to list all the things that the weight loss goal means to us, the things that we want to do when we've reached it, how it'll affect our lives, etc. And to keep going back to it to remind ourselves. So I might just do that here soon.

Over halfway now!

I was able to make it for a weigh in after all this last Thursday, on my way to the airport to fly to Coventry. I had to pop in for my food packs and Mary had time to weigh me. I'd lost 7.5 lbs over the previous 2 weeks, which means I'm now over halfway to my goal! :-) I expect the rest to come off more slowly than the first half but am hoping I'll be down to my goal weight by Christmas at the latest.

I had a fantastic few days in Coventry, staying with the organiser of UK Ravelry Day and staffing a stall for Stitches on the Bridge. The overall flavour of the event was not at all unlike big belly dance events I've been to and/or organised myself - a huge number of women with a passion and all the extremes of opinions and feelings that go with it! The hero-worship of the knitting gurus was very familiar to the adoration of the belly dance stars too! It was a very interesting and eye-opening experience altogether! And I don't deny that I got a little caught up in the fandom, though I like to think I'm a bit older, wiser and less impressionable than I was when I was immersed in the belly dance scene... All that said I was very taken with the unassuming charm of Jared Flood and Meg Swansen. I also had my first exposure to the utter delight of a live-on-dvd Elizabeth Zimmerman, the now-deceased mother of Meg Swansen. What a joy! I'm now a big fan of all 3 of them. Ruth aka Woolly Wormhead was also very nice and fun to meet and share a meal with. Jo, the organiser, and her husband Doug were great hosts and really made us feel at home, along with Doug's mum, Christina, and their young children, Robbie, 6, and Zoe, 4. All very off topic for this blog but well worth a mention!

One reason I mention it all is to confess yet again to succumbing to the craving to eat! I had found myself thinking about steak pies last week, and then found myself in a pub restaurant selling just that on Friday in Coventry...! In fact the steak pie in question had the addition of stilton cheese which just made it far too irresistible... I admit it really was delicious and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

The downside was that I really struggled not to eat for the rest of the day - and failed. I also felt physically uncomfortable, too full. My stomach has shrunk and no longer has the capacity for a full meal. Clearly the slow introduction to real food over the 12 weeks of the Road to Management programme is there for a reason. It was "interesting" (I guess!) to note just how much more difficult it got to resist the craving to eat as the day went on. I was prowling the kitchen in the late evening, desperate to eat something delicious before the self-imposed deadline of a new day prevented me having anything else. It was not good, not comfortable and not healthy.

As a result, as I sat on the return journey plane yesterday, I resolved to aim for 100 days of "abstinence", following the example of the twelve steps, which aims for 90 days. I'm only too aware that I've been sponsored to do this, not to mention that the longer it takes me to reach my goal, the more it's going to cost me and those who are supporting me with the programme costs. My weight loss will slow down as it is, so I can't expect to lose the second half in as short a time anyway. I don't want to go on not being able to eat normal food for any longer than I need to, so the quicker the weight comes off the better.

So my mindset, when faced with food I'd really like to taste (like the many delicious looking home-made cakes at yesterday's UK Ravelry Day!), is back to "This time next year".

On the positive side, here's a wee list of things I'm very happy about:

- I can fit into airline and train seats with no problem at all and perhaps even a little leeway! Last time I flew (in 2007), I had to have an extension to the seatbelt.

- I can just about walk down the isle of the plane and the train without having to move sideways. Emphasis on just about!

- When sitting, I no longer have a big tummy to rest my hands on and can very comfortably sit with my hands in my lap.

- I no longer have to embarrassingly hide a large cleavage when I bend over.

- I can feel all sorts of bone under my skin that I forgot I had!

- I can wear an amethyst bracelet which was a self-chosen present from Laurie in 2003 and to which I used to have to add an extension.

- Today my scales showed 16 stone 6 1/2 lbs.

- The plantar fasciitis in my right foot is a lot less painful than it used to be - a LOT less!

- I can now comfortably cross my legs (how many of you realised that fat people have a problem with that, I wonder).

- Although I'm still quite big, I no longer feel like a fat person!

A note...

... to anyone who does follow this blog(!) that I wasn't able to go to the Lighter Life meeting this week (away in Thurso for work) and will be away for next week's meeting too (in Coventry for UK Ravelry Day with Stitches on the Bridge), so I'll miss two weigh-ins. My next weigh-in will show 3 weeks weight loss, which should be interesting!

Yesterday I was YummyMummyFaerie at Rag Tag n Textile's Faerie Homecoming:

Musselburgh dancers top up to £1,000!!

Thanks to Elspeth Alexandra and her Musselburgh dance students, my projected raised figure has just topped £1000!!

A huge

THANK YOU

to all of you for supporting me! I am really touched...

Almost halfway!

I've finally updated my weight loss and funds raised figures. It's great to see that I'm almost halfway to my target!! Who knows, I might not go quite so far as 11 stone, as that is based on what I weigh at the LL sessions, not on what I weigh on my scales...

The week before last, I lost 3 lbs; this past week I lost 2.5 lbs. That's 5 st 3 lbs now. :-D

What I haven't written about is the shopping trip I made the week before last. I had some vouchers to spend in the Arcadia group of shops - Wallis, Dorothy Perkins, Top Shop, Evans. The vouchers were earned doing consumer research and I chose Arcadia because I'm so used to shopping in Evans. Before the trip, I measured myself and realised I was now somewhere in the region of size 20-22 on the top, and size 24-26 on the bottom. I was amazed to discover that Wallis and Dorothy Perkins both cater for larger sizes. I had no idea so many shops now do bigger sizes. I even found out that Matalan and Marks & Spencer (two ends of the spectrum!) do too!

As a result I shopped in Outfit in Inverness, which has sections of Wallis, DP and Top Shop in it, and in Evans. And I was thrilled to bits to discover that I can actually get into size 18s!!! All the tops I bought that day (I didn't manage to get any trousers) were size 18s. Evans size 18 is more generous than Wallis, to be sure, but I still got two lovely cardis from the latter. There was a 20% sale on all goods that day, so my money went a little further! Gosh I was chuffed. It took me hours, though, to decide!!

Even better was being able to get into a couple of lovely size 18 tops in Next! Only to discover that my vouchers didn't cover Next...!! Oops!

On the down side, I've been finding it very difficult to resist cravings for real food and have succumbed a couple of times recently. I have still lost weight though and, in some ways, that doesn't help. If I didn't lose weight when I lapse then it might drive it home a bit better that it's not a good choice to be making. It definitely makes it harder to stick to the food packs whenever I eat. And I'm aware the cravings can be aggravated most of all by tiredness, or when I feel fed up. I have to say that I think now is the time I'm going to be learning most about my food addiction, as I try to resist the desire to eat...

Projected sponsorship updated

I've updated the sponsorship projection to include losing up to 11 stone, rather than stick with the 3 stone ceiling, which I'm now well past. £946 looks a lot better!

I may not have raised £2000 by April but perhaps there's still a chance I might raise £2000 by the end of this year (if I lose all 11 stone, which I fully intend to do!).

Some of the sponsors have put a limit on how much they want to sponsor me for, which explains why the projected figure is not just a simple multiplication of the sponsorship per stone figure x 11 stone.

Confused? You will be...! You'll have to trust me!

Another 7 lbs lost this week...

...I can't quite believe it. I really got a shock when she told me... I knew I'd lost something as my trousers are so much bigger and even one of my group said she noticed a difference since she last saw me 9 days ago. It did feel as if I'm going through another "weight falling off me" phase. I thought I'd be happy if it was 3 lbs, chuffed to bits if it was 5 lbs, but I honestly did not expect it to be 7!

Today was the first week of Development and 5 of us joined an already established group 9 weeks into Development, who've all been together through Foundation (I assume). There were around 8 others in the room with us, so it took the best part of an hour for us all to be weighed. It was quite strange, to be honest, to be with others. They're a much vocal group than we were, especially during the exercises. Perhaps we'd have all got to that stage in another 9 weeks but we all seem to be a bit hesitant!

Our counsellor worked with us on problem solving tonight. It seems that Development will be more of the same; there doesn't seem to be a new book to take us through it, but we did notice that the already established Developers had a large orange spiral bound book with "scrapbook" on it. There was no mention of us being given one and none of us remembered to ask!

I also forgot to ask our counsellor to take my end of Foundation photos, which were taken the week I was in the Uists. She needs an "official" record for her files, I think. I'll remind her next week, it completely went out my head with the surprise of how much weight I've lost!

I think that's all I've got to report... I had another slip on Monday - or, to rephrase that, I chose to eat, mainly out of just feeling pretty rubbish at the time. Tiredness is definitely my Achilles Heel, which is unfortunate for someone recovering from ME...! But I still lost 7 lbs... Blimey!

End of Foundation phase - 60.5 lbs lighter!

I was weighed this afternoon at the last session of the Foundation phase and, over the past 2 weeks, I've lost another 5.5 lbs.

Today's session was spent looking back, moving forward and saying goodbye to each other - even though all of us except my friend / colleague Donna are moving onto Development, where we simply keep on with the food packs until we've reached our desired weight. Donna's moving onto Route to Management, where she'll start reintroducing food next week - lucky thing!

It's been very heartening for me to compare the following photos:

(I included the blurry one because it's got a neater profile and makes me look just that little bit slimmer!)

It's the weirdest thing to look at the January photo of me and wonder who that person is. I was dismayed at the time how my face looked. Even weirder is to realise that I'm beginning to recognise myself again in photos. Oh, I remember her!

I seem to be back on the wagon / back on track / making better choices about my food plan. I was / am still having such a hankering for real food... but today's session was very encouraging, remembering how far I've come (especially when I see those photos) and how well I was doing before I fell off the wagon. Coming off the food plan only once makes it so much easier to do it again AND harder to stay back on it. I kind of knew that would happen and that's why I was determined not to do it for so long. I intend to get back to that solid mindset, it's kind of confusing how it slipped, I couldn't tell you precisely why...

It's a bit disheartening to see how little I've managed to raise for the charities. So much for £2000 by the end of April! Oh well... I'm grateful for all the donations and sponsorship that have come in. I'll be sending out an email in the next few days, to see if people want to pay me now or continue with sponsorship til I've reached my goal.

I'm especially grateful to all of you who have donated money for the costs of Lighter Life, I genuinely couldn't have done it without you. I'm earning a little bit more money now with extra work through Rag Tag n Textile, but I'm still penny pinching like mad! Donna and I will be going through to the Black Isle for our different Lighter Life sessions on different days now so we won't be sharing the cost of transport anymore either. There are plans afoot for more work for me but it's always a slow process to raise the necessary funding. In the meantime I have little spare time to work out other ways to make money!

Onwards and upwards!

Next week I start on the Development phase, on Thursday afternoons now. If my Gaelic class resumes on Thursday evenings (it's undecided at the moment) I'll have to change my LL day to Wednesday evening, which will be kind of tough, travelling through after work and driving home late in the evening, especially after the summer when it gets dark again... On a positive note, we drove back tonight in full daylight and I have months of that to look forward to - fantastic!

Development will be interesting as they'll be building on the tools we've learned in Foundation. It'll be a totally different group of people, though 4 of us from my Foundation group will be there. We're used to about 6 or 7 of us but the Development group can be as big as 20! So it's all change and will be interesting to see how different it is. I'm looking forward to playing blaring music while I drive back and forth on my own!

Another 2.5 lbs, milk week and bad choices

I'm very late with this report. Can't remember why now! Last week I was away in Uist so missed the weekly session. The week before that - 14 April - I lost another 2.5 lbs, bringing me (frustratingly!) up to 1 lb short of 4 stones weight loss. As a fortnight will have passed by the next weigh in, I'm bound to be over 4 stone this week.

This past week has been our 13th and higher calorie week. NICE guidelines recommend only 12 weeks on very low calorie diets (VLCD) so we are upping our calories to 1000 a day this week by adding milk (or soya milk) to our packs. It's been nice to be able to drink tea and coffee again, as I don't like either black. I've actually been finding it hard to get through the 400 mls of semi skimmed milk each day. I've also felt unusually stiff and wonder if this could possibly be the effect of reintroducing milk to my diet... so I'm using soya milk for the packs and ordinary milk for my yummy cups - nay, pots! - of tea.

This coming Tuesday is the last day of Foundation and I'll move onto Development during the following week. I'm still unsure of what day to choose - Wednesday at 7.30 pm or Thursday at 4.30 pm - until I know if my Gaelic class, block 2 of which ends this week, is going to continue on Thursdays.

Last weekend (17 - 19 April) I was lucky enough to be invited by my friend Sandy to go to the Knoydart's 10 Music Festival with her and her son Tim. We were camping and I didn't envisage any difficulties with the diet over that weekend. In the end, though, with the prospect of a weekend of only sweet shakes and bars, I succumbed to the temptation of a venison burger (Bad Choice No 1). My ill-thought-out logic dictated that at least it was protein, shouldn't knock me out of ketosis (fat burning) and wouldn't make that much difference. Of course it's a big increase in calories so that will have made a difference. I didn't intend to eat any of the "bap" (I usually call it a roll but this was most definitely a cottonwool-like bap!) but ended up nibbling on half of it. Worse than that though, I requested one chocolate finger biscuit from Tim and then later binged on about 10 of them, they were so more-ish (Bad Choice No 2). Ho hum...

This past week I spent 2 nights in Lochmaddy, North Uist, and this time succumbed to local seaweed-fed lamb steak at the Lochmaddy Hotel... (Bad Choice No 3) again with the logic of it being protein and therefore not knocking me out of ketosis. I asked for none of the onion rings, fried mushrooms and chips that came with it and for a green salad instead. It was in fact served with the green salad - and the onion rings, mushrooms and chips!! I gave up then and crumbled (Bad Choice No 4)!! I ate the 3 onion rings, the several mushrooms, half of the chips (with mayonnaise - eek!) and only half of the lamb.

My body wasn't too happy with that venison burger. It might have been that I'd barely slept the night before but, after I'd eaten it, I immediately had to go and have a nap! I was also only able to eat half of the lamb. My stomach will have shrunk, of course - in the past I'd have eaten the whole lot without thinking.

Neither time was the food worth it. The burger was - ok. The lamb was - ok (nothing like as great as I expected). Mostly I enjoyed the chips! Oh and the chocolate fingers. Carbs and sugar are my trigger foods, to be sure.

Since then I've struggled with wanting to eat more, to eat conventional food again. I discovered a LL banoffee pie recipe and made it up for the 2nd time this week. A quarter is the equivalent of one food pack and, because it contains 2 bars, only a half can be eaten in one day. On Friday and Saturday nights just past, I ate an extra quarter each night - meaning I've eaten the equivalent of 5 packs each day. I always feared that breaking the diet - choosing to eat outside of my food plan, rather - would be a slippery slope and it looks like I might just have been right. Today I've managed to get back on the wagon and am determined to stay there from now on. It's definitely harder to stay on it when you've already fallen off once...

The weight loss is a lot slower than it was - can't tell yet how the bad choices have affected it - and it's definitely much less exciting that way! While I'm really delighted with the amount I've lost, I'm very aware that I have a long way to go. I'm about to embark on another 13 week period and am very likely to have another one to go after that too. I'm very aware that my "diet buddy", Donna, is about to reintroduce conventional food as she embarks on the Road to Management phase, and I wish it was me! I look at photos of myself and see I'm still really big. They don't match the idea I have of myself in my head, knowing that I can get into old clothes and even feel my hip bones through my skin now! I can't say I'm exactly discouraged but it feels like a very long haul right now...

Another 2 lbs lost this week

This is a late report because my internet service went down last Sunday and I only got it back up again tonight. I've been a bit lost without it!

Only 2 lbs lost this week but that's fine as I lost so much over the past 3 weeks that I was finding it a bit hard to come to terms with! More on that another time.

So I didn't make it to 4 stone this week - only 3 st 10.5 lbs - but maybe next week.

Another 6 lbs lost this week!

At this rate I might just lose 5 stone by the end of the Foundation phase, which ends in only 4 weeks...

I'm noticing that I feel the cold much, much more now. I guess I'm losing my insulation, and at a fast rate as well, so it's taking my body time to catch up with the changes...

My biggest thrill recently was being able to get into a whole pile of clothes that I've held onto for about 6 years! I have a pinstripe trouser suit I bought in 2002/03 and haven't worn since. I was thrilled to get into it yesterday - and wore it today! Plus another (linen) suit from 1998/9, two dresses, several tops and a couple of skirts. No trousers (except pedal pushers for the summer) because I always wear them to rags. At this rate of weight loss I won't get much wear out of that linen suit. I hope the weather improves very soon!

It all feels a bit unreal as, even though I held onto those clothes, I seriously doubted I'd ever be able to wear them again. I now have a brand new (old) wardrobe! But, once past these sizes, I'm going to have to buy brand new - or from charity shops. And the great thing is, I will at last be able to get into clothes in charity shops - they don't usually have big enough sizes for me!

These past few weeks, we've been working on what Lighter Life calls "hot thoughts" and what I've previously known as "automatic negative thoughts". I have to confess that none of this is new to me, but it's still been interesting to look at it again. It's basically all about challenging these thoughts, working out if there's any basis in reality for them, and replacing them with more rational thinking.

This week we've been looking at the "drama triangle" of Persecutor, Rescuer and Victim. I first heard of this idea years ago from my therapist friend Kate, but the way it was applied today was new to me. The notion is all about recognising when you're in which role, and how to break out of it and act from your "adult" ego. Interesting stuff. We realised that within our own group, a lot of rescuing goes on! "Don't beat yourself up about your slip", etc!!

This past week I took part in some rescuing myself (as it was pointed out to me today!) and in a little bit of cheating (little being the operative word). Last weekend, grandson Jamie really wanted me to try his new rice crispies from Lidl. As he didn't seem to understand why I couldn't have any, I gave in and tasted only one! In this instance, I gave in - so that was me rescuing Jamie's feelings. Even though it was a conscious choice on my part, it was all about rescuing Jamie. Hmmm...!

I also liked that, instead of talking about "cheating" or whatever, our LL counsellor talked about how this food "wasn't part of my food programme."

I confess to another instance of eating/drinking something not in my food programme. My elderly friend Audrey died on 21 March and her funeral was yesterday. Afterwards, daughter Laurie and I went for a coffee at the Lochalsh Hotel, a favourite haunt, mainly (if not only!) because of the big squishy sofas and the view. I don't really like black tea or coffee (no milk on Lighter Life!) and realised I didn't have any peppermint teabags on me. I settled for an Earl Grey teabag from the botton of my handbag (I went through a very short phase of enjoying it black) and, having found I still really don't like it much at all, I ended up putting some milk in it. That was verrry nice. And that "slip" led to more when I decided to have some of Laurie's coffee and just have some milk with it too. Y-u-m! I must have drunk all of a couple of fluid ounces of milk, so I really don't feel too bad about it!

I've hit the 3 stone mark - and more!

My weigh in today said that I'd lost another 5.5 lbs - that's a total of 44.5 lbs or 3 stone 2.5 lbs!! Yippee!! I have actually already met my initial target!!

I got another photo taken tonight as I felt that last one wasn't quite showing the extent of the weight loss - and besides I'm now 11.5 lbs lighter than 2 weeks ago! Tonight's photo is much clearer, I think. Judge for yourselves!

27 January 2009 24 March 2009 - 3 stone 2.5 lbs lighter.
Less chin, no bum shelf(!), slimmer forearms, smaller tummy, smaller bust, cheekbones beginning to show, even my eyes look bigger! A total of 3" off my bustline, 6" off my waist and 6.5" off my hips.

And just in time for my 53rd birthday tomorrow!

Another 6 lbs lost

I'm just too busy at the moment to keep up with this blog properly but had to report the latest weight loss at least, while I wait for the boiled water for my CPAP machine to cool!

I've been very tired this week and am not at all sure why. I seem to have a couple of weeks up and then a week down, or at least that's been the pattern for the last month anyway. We'll see what happens next month!

Weight loss goes on, sometimes I get a bit fed up with it, but it's just a case of putting it to the back of my mind and getting busy doing something else and looking forward to the next food pack.

I've discovered "poppadums" made with the Thai Chilli soups and they're delicious! Unfortunately, the length of time they take to cook in the microwave can be a bit hit and miss depending on how much water you mix with them in the first place. The one I made tonight was a bit burned... It wasn't the first time I've had to eat a burnt one (though they're usually chicken soup ones...)!

I've also discovered chocolate shake "muffins", again cooked in the microwave. They're scrummy too but Thai Chilli "poppadums" are still my favourite for just now.

The weight loss really does keep up the motivation, I have to say, without it I might have wavered by now. Most of my co-Lighter Lifers have "cheated" at some point or other. I'm grateful that I have such a firm resolve about this and am watching the weight just falling off me.

I do notice quite a difference myself. Others have been commenting on it for a week or two but I'm now beginning to notice that my ankles are thinner, my face is different, my eyes are looking larger(!), my waist slimmer and a few days ago I looked down at my legs as I sat down and realised they look different. It's quite remarkable, really, but, for me at least, the quick weight loss is one of the strengths of the programme, especially when you have as much weight to lose as I do.

That's 2 stone 11 lbs / 39 lbs gone now. My scales read 19 stone 2 1/4 lbs on Tuesday so, hopefully, I'll be under 19 stone on my scales by next week. 18 stone something will feel very good, as it's a long time since I've been there!

Oh and here's the before and "after" pics I've been promising for a while.

Before starting on the Lighter Life programme:After 6 weeks and 33 lbs lost:

I've lost the "shelf" from the top of my bum. I can feel that myself, let alone need to see it in a photo. I'm sure my next pic will be even more dramatic!

I'm way behind with the news...

but suffice to say, for just now (as I don't have time tonight to write) that I've now lost a total of 33 lbs altogether - 5.5 last week and 3 this week - that's 2 stone 5 lbs. :-D

What seems to mean more to me is that my own bathroom scales say I'm now 19 stone 10 lbs (on Tuesday 10th, that is!). I'm sooo pleased to be under 20 stone again. Lots of very positive comments from lots of people about how I'm looking different. But no time just now to write about it...!

New fundraising page

I completely forgot to say that I've created a new page HERE where you can click the buttons to donate or sponsor me. There was some confusion about how to contribute, so I've tried to make it simpler and show that there are, in fact, seven different way to help me raise money. =:-o

If you haven't already -

PLEASE SPONSOR ME!

2.5 lbs lost this week

Only 2.5 lbs. I have to confess to feeling a bit disappointed. BUT I think I might have found the culprit...

Lighter Lifers have devised "real food-like" recipes for the food packs - "chocolate", "muffins" and, my favourite, "poppadoms". Mix the chicken soup into a paste or baby food consistency, spread it on a plate or on greaseproof paper and cook in the microwave for several minutes. My first two experiments stuck to the plate, so that I had to chip them off and even lick up the crumbs. I might as well have eaten it straight from the packet! The third stuck to the greaseproof paper, adding a little bit extra to my diet (you didn't expect me to leave it, did you?!).

So, the week before last, I oiled the plate... And last week I did the same twice over... SO that little bit of extra calories just might be making a difference to my weight loss. So, after the weigh-in on Tuesday, I went to Tesco in Dingwall and bought some baking paper (already greased and virtually non-stick)! It worked like a treat tonight - and no extra calories.

My friend wasn't able to make it to this week's session, so I travelled alone. I have to confess to feeling really really really tired afterwards... After feeling great a fortnight ago, I've been really tired this past week or so... :-(

We were measured this week too. I appear to have lost only 1 cm on my top, 3 cm on my waist and 3 cm on my hips. I'm a bit surprised, as I'm very aware of how much smaller I feel and just how baggy my clothes have become. So... I'm going to take my own measurements too from now on. And when I can get some batteries for my scales, I'm going to compare the weight loss on them too...!

The highlight of this week was the introduction of a new food pack - porridge! I've tasted it and it isn't really like porridge at all, more like a very runny semolina. But tasty enough and a welcome variation on the food packs.

This week was more on Transactional Analysis and Eric Bernes' recognition of different ways in which we spend our time:

• Withdrawal - either physically or mentally.
• Ritual - from a simple handshake or "How are you?" to weddings and funerals. Pointedly, mealtimes can also be a ritual.
• Pass-timing - inconsequential chit chat, cups of tea with friends, gossip.
• Activities - task orientated activities like work, etc.
• Intimacy - about being genuine, not just about physical or emotional intimacy. Being "real".

All of these can be negative as well as positive: hiding away; over-indulgence; avoiding being alone; over working / under working; too much or too little intimacy. And we were asked to recognise the association of food with all of them too: hiding food and eating in secret; the excess food associated with big parties and ceremonies; the cream cakes along with the cups of tea; getting too tired or too bored and this leading to eating; using food to make up for loneliness or even to avoid intimacy.

We were asked to look at how much of our day is spent on each of these activities. It made me realise that I fill my time with activities, particularly since being on this programme. Now I don't need to take time to cook or even to eat (it doesn't take long to get through any of the packs!), I have more time on my hands. I enjoy having this extra time but I also use it to "do" something else!

I'm not very happy at the thought that I fill so much of my time with activity. It's very unbalanced and I realised I have to look at this and do something about it.

Our next exercise was about "strokes", positive and negative, a means of getting recognition, and that how we spend our time is all about getting or avoiding strokes. Hm...

We had to do an exercise in which we loosely measured how easily we gave positive and negative strokes and how often, to others and to ourselves. Of course, most of us give ourselves negative strokes a lot of the time, with our internal critical voices! And when we're starved of positive strokes, we can end up accepting, looking for or even asking for negative ones. Like a child needing attention, anything is better than being ignored.

Of course we can see eating as a type of positive self-stroke (with negative consequences). And how it can be an indication of a lack of strokes (recognition) in other areas in our lives. All fairly obvious, really, but a different way of looking at it.

I felt very tired in the group and came away not on the Cloud Nine that I have in previous weeks. I actually felt quite troubled about how I use my time. And more, how to change it! Plus the fact that I have a lot going on at the moment: two Gaelic classes a week; 16 hours work at Rag Tag; most weeks recently and over the next month, I've also got hours at the library on top of RTT; the travelling through for the LL sessions (which do really tire me out, even when I'm not driving), and our Skye Bridge knitting project. Not to mention dog walking, keeping this blog and the Facebook page updated, working on the NADA magazine over the next couple of weeks and trying to find time to knit! Hmm... Something's out of balance...!

I think this is also about coming out of the honeymoon period of the programme and moving into the straight (mixed metaphors, I know!). The dramatic weight loss period is over and it's now steady as she goes...! I'm in it for the long haul too (if I can afford it), so the straight is a bit longer for me than for the others. The novelty of the food packs is beginning to wear off and sometimes, mainly when I'm tired, I just want to eat - anything, not something in particular, just anything. I won't, I'm sure, I just can't afford to. I'm finding it a lot easier to get around but I still have times where I'm really uncomfortable, stiff and sore, so cheating isn't really an option for me. I confess to a Diet Coke after a short Tesco shop after the LL session, I was much in need of some caffeine before driving home. It's zero calories but I'm not sure about the carbs...

One of the biggest lessons of this week, I think, was realising how we accept positive strokes from others. When folk have mentioned how I look different or congratulated me on my weight loss and progress, I've almost always said, "I've got a long way to go". We were told to try and accept the compliments and not attempt to balance them with negatives. Well, I failed with that today- again - but then quickly explained and turned it round by saying:

"Yes, it is great [24.5 lbs in 4 weeks is pretty blooming good!], I am doing well, amn't I?!"

Another 4 lbs bite the dust

Yep, that's a total of 22 lbs now. Just 1 lb over 1 1/2 stones. Amazing... I actually managed to pull my trousers down today without undoing the zip!! They were always a little big round the waist but I couldn't have done that a few weeks ago. While I know the quick weight loss is a bit scary, it's also really encouraging and gives me, at least, the impetus to keep going. It's slowing down now, as predicted, but I still feel an ongoing loss even though it's actually less.

Tuesday's session was really just more on Transactional Analysis and the different "ego states" and how they break down:
Critical Parent
Nurturing Parent
Adult (no breakdown?)
Adaptive Child
Rebellious Child (that's me!)
Free Child

It's all interesting stuff and easily identifiable. It's all about listening to those voices in your head, identifying them and choosing how you react. Oh and all the states are useful - you don't need to strive to be in your adult all the time, even the rebellious child ("Neh neh ne neh neh - I'm going to show them who can lose weight!") can be useful at times!

Some of our group had actually put on weight this week because they'd broken the diet and eaten some real food! It was a lesson for all of us and made me all the more determined to resist temptation. It's not always easy and, on Thursday night, I was very tired and really could have murdered some food - not anything in particular - just FOOD. I didn't have my bar to look forward to because I'd had to have it at lunchtime for convenience, and that made it a bit tougher. However a late evening chocolate shake made with hot peppermint tea was lovely!

My hunger is much much less but I can't say I'm never hungry... Pity!

I had my blood pressure taken this week - actually a week too soon, I got mixed up - and it was fine. But it always is, I've never had a problem with it.

Next week we get measured for the first time since starting on the diet. I'm looking forward to that - it'll be really interesting to see how I'm shrinking! I can see it in the mirror and keep meaning to take another photo to compare - our counsellor encouraged us to do so. And those trousers being easily pulled down(!) shows several inches have gone. Yippee!!

Oh oh oh - and next week a new food pack - PORRIDGE - will be available!! Hot brekkers (or supper)!

Giving thanks

Well, peeps, I want to give thanks tonight for my improved fitness, the increase in energy, the decrease in aches and pains and stiffness, the weight loss (of course), and the fact that I can be busy and it doesn't fry my brain. I've just come back from a bracing walk in the drizzle with my dogs after a full 8 hour day at work and I am feeling good! I'm looking forward to chilling out after what's been a very busy week. I've been on the go all day every day since Tuesday, including giving an interview on BBC Radio Scotland to promote a project I'm involved in getting off the ground:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/highlands_and_islands/7894474.stm
(please note it's not an AOS project - that's an editorial error). The interview was broadcast (in a highly edited version, of course!) around 1 pm on Tuesday and I missed it - and it's not available on BBC iPlayer. Grrr! The project will be launched in about a fortnight.
So after more or less working a full-time week, it's even more remarkable that I feel good right now. I'm not saying I don't get tired nor that I feel 100% well again but I do feel good. And very grateful.
So I want to give thanks to God for that.
More about this week's progress later this evening.

Donations for the 2nd stage of Lighter Life...

...have been coming in already!! Today the figure leapt to £120. Several people have said they want to sponsor me, ie help me lose weight, rather than the charities. I'm gobsmacked and really touched. I don't know quite what to say...

Day 14 - another 8 lbs lost in the second week!

Hard to believe isn't it?! That's 18 lbs (1 stone 4 lbs) in only 2 weeks!! Tis positively gobsmacking... Already my trousers are loser, I notice a difference in my shape and the size of it(!) and I'm feeling much less stiff and sore. The latter is the best of all, of course. To be able to move more easily and with less - well, I won't say pain - soreness. There are other factors in the mix, it has to be said, like my new CPAP (continuous positive airway pressure) machine, which means I sleep much more soundly at night and therefore have more energy, and my new shoe insoles to help the plantar fasciitis in my right foot. Both of these have had a very positive effect but the weight loss is only aiding and abetting it.

I did have a couple of Grrrr days last week, specifically when I was on my own a lot and not as busy as usual. There wasn't a particular food I wanted to eat, I just wanted to be able to eat at all and not have to wait for the time to eat my next pack. We don't have to eat at specific times, just at regular intervals. I was wanting to eat in between those regular intervals!

Some of the group didn't lose anything like as much as me and my heart went out to them. As much as I'm so very much encouraged by my weight loss, they're discouraged by the lack of theirs. Still, they're still losing more than they would on a conventional diet. Some of the group are a week behind us and one of them lost an almighty 12.5 lbs in her first week!!! Queries to the group counsellor revealed that there doesn't seem to much why or wherefore regarding how much we lose - it's very individual. She did say, however, that if you're not drinking enough water, your body will hold onto what it gets so, the more you drink, the more you'll pass (because your body trusts there will be a plentiful supply) and subsequently be lighter.

Having said all that, my Ketostix (Ketostick?!) showed I'm still not drinking enough water. Hard to believe because I seem to be drinking all the time. I bought some of the Lighter Life St Clements water flavours and have since found it helps me drink much more. Instead of one gulp I'm now more likely to take four! Lots of trips to the loo as well though!!

After our usual weigh in and purchase of our weekly food packs, we talked about childhood memories and family traditions around food. What sort of sayings did we have in our families about food? "Big fat beafy boafy" is one I remember! Giggling and finger-pointing at people just like me. What was our families' attitude towards food? Almost everyone there had negative recollections of being made to clear our plates. I told stories of being made to eat liver and, worse of all (especially because of the trauma caused by my refusal to eat it!) - cod roe. Most of us had similar stories and I can't break the confidentiality of the group to tell different ones.

The hour and a half passes very quickly and never seems long enough. I've had a read of the Foundation book that we all received last week and I'm pretty impressed. I've been a champion of not dieting and eating for health and accepting yourself as you are, and still I find the book full of sound advice and information.

We also learned the very basics of Transactional Analysis - the Parent, Adult, Child ego states - and learned how all three have their uses. Last week's "homework" was more on goal setting and about the different levels of self-awareness (specifically the Johari Window). I enjoyed drawing a picture of myself in a year's time! Once I've got to grips with the scanner, I'll post it here. Won't it be great if that actually happens?!

This week's homework, which I've not done yet, is about group agreements and promises to ourselves. It's sound and very interesting stuff. Who's more interesting to ourselves than ourselves, after all?!